Bathtub Chug-a-lug
by Ghoulmask
Summary: Vivienne, Eli and Arcade have a bit of drunken fun in a trio of bathtubs. A silly one-shot I did after chapter 5 of Human Nature. Rated M for minor hijinks, just to be safe.


**_This is a random filler of silliness that I wrote after chapter 5 of Human Nature. I needed to do something funny after writing more Boone angst. It's "technically" set after Vivienne leaves the tent to let Boone sleep...but it's really outside of the story. So fyi, none of this actually happens in HN._**  
**_And I know the internet is always hurtin' for more Arcade nonsense. D: Just kidding, I know it's his body you all want._**

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Vivienne made her way to where the baths were, keeping an eye out for Arcade or Eli. She needed a laugh, and was certain either of them could oblige. To her surprise she found both of them in the bath tent, which was literally a tent full of bathtubs. Each man was sitting in his own tub with their curtains open, chatting away. Vivienne threw her hands up and slapped her knees laughing.

"Whaaaa? What is this?" She asked

Eli looked over at her with a grin, barely fitting in the small tub. "Can't two dudes enjoy each others company in separate baths?" He took a swig of whiskey and then handed it to Arcade.

Arcade took the bottle, his face pink. Vivienne wasn't sure if it was from Eli, the whiskey or the hot water. She guess a combination was the safest assumption.

"Whatever makes you happy guys." She said smiling at her friend.

"Pull up a tub!" Arcade said, slurring his words and thrusting a fist in the air.

"Fuck yeah! Lemme bring one closer so you can share the booze!" Eli replied as he started to get out of the bath.

"No no! I'm good..." Vivienne began, but it was far too late.

Eli got out buck naked and shining as the water ran over his body. He grabbed the edge of the nearest tub and dragged it between his and Arcade's. A loud scraping noise filled the tent as the lip of the tub scraped the other two. Vivienne didn't bother looking away. If he was brash enough to walk around naked, she'd be brash enough to look. Arcade was laughing the whole time, barely able to keep his grip on the bottle. Eli went over to a barrel of water next to a fire. Grabbing the hose inside he tossed the end of it into the empty tub and began working the pump to fill it with hot water.

One the bath was filled he held his arm over it. "Your tub milady." Eli said wobbling slightly.

Vivienne crossed her arms. "Get back in your tub and I'll oblige you drunk weirdos." She said, trying not to laugh.

"How else are you going to get in unless I put you in?" Eli said, looking at her with as much seriousness as he could muster.

Vivienne eyed the bath, the front and back of it were curved upwards. It was too high for her to climb over. She cursed her short stature and walked over to the naked Eli. He reached down to pick her up but she shoved her finger in his face.

"No funny stuff. My dress stays on, you put your hands under my arms only, and don't 'accidentally' brush me with that...thing." She waved her finger at his large manhood.

Eli's lopsided grin wavered as he held back a laugh. "Ma'am." He said, tilting an invisible hat.

Eli picked her up as instructed and hoisted her in the air gently before setting her in the water. She was immediately grateful that the water was a milky color. Seeing Eli naked was one thing, but seeing her friend Arcade was another. It was like seeing your brother naked, or rather that's how she imagined it would be.

Eli sat back down in his bath with a splash after retrieving another bottle of whiskey.

Arcade eyed the fresh bottle. "Uh I don't know if we can finish that one too."

Eli scoffed "No worries Dear, this one's for me. You two can share the other one." He took a giant swig to prove his point.

"How long have you two been drinking?" Vivienne asked trying to keep her dress from billowing in the water.

"Ohhh, maybe an hour or so? We started drinking at dinner." Arcade said as he sank lower into the water.

"Yup, I figured after blondie treated me to dinner the least I could do was let him see me naked." Eli said, producing a cigarette from nowhere.

Arcade snorted and started coughing as he brought his chin out of the water.

Vivienne reached over and smacked him on the back. "Easy killer, why don't you gimme that bottle for a while?"

Arcade clutched the whiskey to his chest. "You little miss, are too young for liquor."

Vivienne frowned and snatched the bottle from Eli's lips and started chugging.

Eli looked over with a raised eyebrow. "Well now there's a sight."

She stopped after a few swigs and handed the bottle back to Eli with a gasp. "Woooo! That's some strong hooch!"

"We're corrupting the poor girl." Arcade said with a grin. "First cock flash, and now first whiskey. How many firsts is that Vivvy?"

Vivienne burped loudly causing Arcade to wince.

"Zero actually." She said as she slid under the water to wet her hair.

Eli and Arcade exchanged a quick grin before she came back up.

"Zero huh?" Eli said reaching over to muss her curls.

She smacked his hand and replied coolly. "Yes, is that so shocking? Am I that unattractive?"

Arcade laughed loudly "Honey, we're just teasing you."

"I find you very attractive." Eli murmured before draining more from the bottle.

"It's because I licked your lips isn't it?" She said.

It was Eli's turn to choke. The whiskey was far less forgiving then bathwater however. Viv smacked his back more forcefully until he found his voice.

"Jeeze woman, that was our special private moment!" He sputtered.

"Oh holy bloatfly balls, you're ridiculous Eli." She scoffed.

"What's all this about licking balls?" Arcade slurred again, he was quite intoxicated.

Eli's booming laugh filled the tent. "Oh man Arcade! You're a blast ya know that?"

Viv crossed her arms "We weren't alone dammit. Boone was there and I was jest messin' with ya." She said crossly.

Arcade snorted again "Your accent gets thicker when you've had a bit to drink!"

Eli shoved his bottle back in Vivienne's face. "Come on lightweight, you got some catching up to do!"

She took the bottle grudgingly, not wanting to admit what she had was already affecting her. She brought the bottle to her lips before looking sideways at Eli.

"What do I get if I drink more?" she asked.

"Pffftt, more liquor duh." Eli said.

She rolled her eyes and took another swig.

"Atta girl! Now sing us a song" Arcade said laughing.

Vivienne gave him a death glare and Arcade stopped laughing.

Eli perked up "Oooh yeah, you can sing?"

"She sings beautifully actu..." Arcade started to say but was cut off by a strange warbling.

Vivienne has started singing sloppily at the top of her lungs.

"**NINETY NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THA WALL! NINETY NINE BOTTLES OF BEEEEEER! TAKE ONE DOWN AND DRINK IT DOWN, SOMETHING ABOUT COUNTING BEEEEER!**" She stopped suddenly and smiled at the two men, each had a shocked expression.

The three of them burst into laughter, accompanied by Arcade's snorting. They kept drinking and making jokes into the night until the water turned cold around them.

"Well boys, I'm getting' all wrinkly like. I think it's time to mosey on back to my cot." Vivienne said as she turned to get out. She stopped and turned back and forth a few times before remembering how she got in the tub.

"Uh...I think I might need a hand here." She said looking at Eli.

"About that dearie...You see, the water is quite cold now...and well." He paused for effect. "My man snake has done it's best to retreat back into the warmth."

Vivienne and Arcade lost it. They both leaned on each other laughing like mad.

"Hey now, I can't be the only one. Stand up Arcade, prove me wrong!" Eli challenged.

Arcade stuck his chest out and stood to get out of the tub.

"Ack! Butt first! Butt first! I don't need to see yer dingy!" Vivienne shrieked.

Arcade started laughing again and slipped out onto the ground. He popped up a second later, crouching behind the tub.

"Dingy!? Damn girl don't call it that, you make it sound diminutive!" He said

"Count on you to use a big 'ol word when yer drunk." Vivienne said sounding quite inebriated herself.

Arcade stood up with his back facing the others and threw on his lap coat. He buttoned it unevenly and turned back to them.

"I shall retrieve the young lady since you're too embarrassed." Arcade remarked.

He lifted Vivienne out of the water and set her down. She pulled the clingy dress front away from her breasts and held it out, trying to preserve some sense of modesty.

"Embarrassed? Fuck that!" Eli bellowed and leaped out of the tub.

Vivienne was impressed that he managed to keep his balance. But the smirk on her face vanished the instant she saw him stalking towards them with his trademark lopsided grin.

"What are yew smilin' for?" She asked cautiously

Her response was a resounding "VERTIBIRD, VERTIBIRD!" from Eli as he swung his hips around wildly. Water splashed on Viv and Arcade from his arms and other...parts of his anatomy.

Vivienne squealed and hid behind Arcade who was doubled over from laughter.

Suddenly Julie Farkas burst into the tent.

"What is all this commotion!? You're waking my patients up!" She snapped.

Viv and Arcade stopped laughing immediately and stared at her. Eli kept swinging as her turned to face Julie. He broke into a run still trying to move his hips and went straight for her.

"Hey there lady! Wanna ride the vertibird?!" He shouted.

Needless to say Julie ran off screaming into the night, Eli hot on her heels. Leaving the other two on the ground lost in fits of laughter.

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_**I friggin' love writing Eli, he's a hoot.**_  
_**Note: Eli isn't gay, he just calls everyone pet names. He's obviously no homophone either. He just enjoys teasing Arcade. And everyone else for that matter.  
The full version of the crappy cover image is on my tumblr.  
**_


End file.
